Only The Good Die Young

MEGHAN MURPHY died 2 months after this post-REST IN PEACE DEAR MEGHAN- June 3, 1980-February 5, 2011

Jessica's best Friend Meghan Murphy (30 years old) is critically ill with cervical cancer that has now spread to her lungs. Yet Meghan remains amazingly courageous in writing her own online journal in such honest, open feelings. It is both humbling and an inspiration for myself to read her words in that journal.

This is a wonderful, loving, kid that ironically works as a cancer researcher. I have known Meghan for many years and she is one of those rare people that you love as soon as you meet her. A contagious smile sensitive, caring,modest,always bubbling with life, funny, so very smart, kind, and involved with saving the world.

Why is this happening to her when there are so many evil people in this world who seem to get away with murder, evil deeds, and still live to a ripe old age? Like Steven, Meghan's life is being stolen from her at such a young age, for no reason, while she has her entire world ahead of her. There is no Justice!!!

If you want to read Meghan's journal click on the link below-

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmurphy7

Today this is what Meghan Posted in her journal:

Not Dead, But This Is Heaven-Sunday, December 5, 2010 8:08 AM, EST

"If you wanted to design a place to help a friend heal, a quiet place she could rest, a nontoxic environment to help her immune system, a beautiful place to inspire her, a welcoming place for family and friends, next door to a place that would feed her raw organic food, massage her, detox her, give her space to exercise and swim... then you would have designed Alicia and Peter's condo.

This is a place to heal! Alicia has thought of everything even removing the chlorine from the shower. Since my lungs are on the fritz the chlorine pools and chlorine showers are trouble for me, but not here! Expect to see me clean:) and exercised.

And the space! After Manhattan I feel like we are in a castle, I cannot begin to fathom how I got so lucky, and you guys too, now you don't have to get $115 parking tickets when you visit.

We officially check in to Hippocrates this afternoon and ... the scary part... find out how much this is going to cost. But Colin and Micaela have been working on a discount and some angles are determined I can afford to go. I think it will be ok since I really can't do much or eat much yet. And I am hoping it works for my Mama Mia and Devon to take some of the classes. Looks like we will be growing wheat grass and making sprouted hummus!

You guys and the universe have certainly stepped in to make this happen, everything seems to fall into place which reassures me this was the right decision. I don't have to die getting chemo just because the powers that be think that is what's best for me. What's best for me is a lot more fun than that stinky old plan. And think of all the money New York State will save! Now, I feel like the philanthropist.

To be a part of this scheming, to help me and my Mom, all fundraising angels can go to:

http://teammeghan.blogspot.com

So many people have contributed I am just overwhelmed. I know I can never repay you so please accept my bottomless gratitude and know that your generosity is carrying me, alleviating my suffering, giving me hope and if need be, offering me a way to pass from this world that better suits me.

Love you and thank you.And thank you for all your posts!! Love,Meghan."

As you can see, feel, Meghan is fighting hard to delay or defeat her monster. Yet she worries if she loses her fight to live, that she will leave her mother with the debt of Meghan's medical expenses,student loans, etc. So very typical of Meghan Murphy to be staring down death and at the same time worrying that she may be a financial burden to her mom.These are regular people, like you and I, they don't deserve this suffering to be happening to them.

I post this on my blog, because it reminds me that although the situations of Steven being killed is very different than Meghan's, both Steven and Meghan represent enormous courage, terribly painful experiences, the human fighting spirit of never giving up, sanctity, preciousness of life, and the fragile wicked fate that can in a nano second change a life forever.

It reminds me that there are other good human beings that need our support, compassion, and caring. It also represents the fear, as a parent that we all have for our children, as a human being that we have for ourselves/loved ones, and yet despite much tragedy in my life, it makes me feel grateful for what I still have once I read Meghan's words.

If you pray, pray for Meghan, pray for her family, especially her mother, pray for Steven, pray for my family.There are many like us who live with the demons of our tragic losses, don't be afraid of us. If you don't pray, keep us all in your heart and soul, either way, don't abandon us, don't ignore us.

If you want to donate some money to pay for Meghan's expenses, no amount is too small or too large, you can easily do so by contributing to "Team Meghan" formed by a group of Meghan's friends-Simply click on the link below to take you to the Team Meghan web page-
http://teammeghan.blogspot.com

Steven would want you to do that, and so do I. Jerry

I Know Your Conscience Bothers You.

I know that your conscience is bothering you.

You are never far away in your mind and heart from thinking about the true facts that are being hidden about what happened to Steven. I know you visit my Blog and the Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff Memorial Web Site trying to give yourself some comfort, a connection to Steven and his family. It bothers you so much that Steven's life and his death are trying to be erased as if he never existed and that you can help prevent that from taking place.

I know that you care about what happened to Steven and that his negligent death weighs heavily on you. You are a decent person, it must be very difficult for you to live with these inner feelings, to realize that "they" may get away with killing Steven, and destroying our family. Yet you have the ability to stop this travesty of justice, it is the withholding of the truth of what really happened, the questions of due process, that is consuming you in guilt. It is Steven's soul that keeps talking to you, asking for your help.

I understand that you fear the consequences of helping, but can you allow Steven to have died so horrifically, painfully, without you coming forward to hold those accountable for stealing Steven's life, to provide justice FOR STEVEN? This guilt will never leave you, these demons will haunt you forever, unless you do the right thing.

If you fail to use the courage that you have and stand up for Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, then you will face a life time of knowing that you took the easy way out. Can you live with that torture?

I know you want to help, do it anonymously, do it through your personal/professional connections to others, or do it using your name, do it anyway you want, please, I plead with you, just do it, for Steven's sake and that of your own soul.

If you want, you can postal mail me the truths that have been hidden, or anything you believe will be helpful, To: Jerry Wolkoff, 1269 Jonathan Lane, Wantagh, NY.11793. I will make sure that they get into the hands of people who will insure that legal justice is done. No-one can trace your postal mail, I will destroy the envelope, I promise you.

There is still time to prevent yourself from living a life of hell, to fix some of the inhuman, despicable wrongs that have been done by others, to know that you did the best that you could do FOR Steven. You may think that the truth you have is not important, or means nothing, don't fool yourself, everything that happened to Steven from June 21, 2008, to the very end of time, is important.

At some point, it will be too late to help, Steven's legal case will end, and you will be unable to rid yourself of your ghosts. How much is it worth to you having peace of mind? How much is a human life worth? How much is the life of Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff worth? Please do the right thing, don't wait any longer. Thank You-Jerry Wolkoff

When Words Mean Nothing

Offensive Words Spoken To Me, When There Is Nothing That Can Be Said About FEELING The Loss Of Steven.

"God Needed Him, He is with the Angels, He is at Peace, He is in a Better Place, He is in Heaven Playing Golf, Have A Good day, Have a Good Weekend, Happy Birthday, How Many Kids Do You Have, What is Steven Doing These Days, He is OK, God is Watching Over Him, Can I Speak to Steven Wolkoff, Adobe Flash Player, Double Click, Free Wheel, Rich Streaming Media, DUI, DWI, Accident, Illegal Alien, Defense Lawyers, Depositions, Desecration, Disrespect, Arrogance of The Law, Arrogance Of The Evil, The Law, Justice, The Justice System, California, San Francisco, Court CASE #....., Consolidated, Master, Secondary, Judges, Politicians, District Attorney's, Justice Will Prevail, We Care, They Will Eventually Be Punished, Victims Have Rights,The Media, Time Will Heal Your Grief, Time Will Ease your Pain, Relax, You Will Get Over It, Are you Still Upset, Give It Time, Did you Sleep Well, Smile, How Are You Doing/Feeling, What is Wrong, It's Been ... Years and You Still Feel So Bad, Everything is Great, You Look Terrible, You Look Great, You don't Look That Bad, What Are You Doing With Yourself, I Envy You, I Hate You, Make A Life For Yourself, Get Out More, Pull Up Your Boot Straps, This Was The Worst Thing I Ever Heard, No I Won't Help You, No I/We........ I Understand, I Feel Your Pain, I Can't Really Understand But I know What It is Like For You, Is That really your Father And You in the Book How terrible And That didn't really Happen You Have an Overactive Imagination, Stop Thinking So Much, Memories Of The Good Times Will Help You Get Through This, Steven would Not Want You To.........., Steven Would Want You TO.........., Steven Wanted............,Steven Would Not Want...........,Steven Would Feel That......, He Would Want....., Feel...., Not Want......, We Would Rather Remember Steven/Him In The Good Times Than Think Of What Happened To Him At the End because We Don't Want To Know What Really Happened To Steven It hurts too Much thinking About IT!. Our Thoughts And Prayers Are With You, Take His Pictures Off The Wall, Leave His Pictures On The Wall, Words Cannot Even Express Our Sorrow, You Have An Angel Watching Over You, May the Comfort/Love Of God Help You During These Difficult Times, There is A Reason For Everything, To Live In Hearts Left Behind Is Not To Die,God Broke Your Hearts To Prove To You He Only Takes The Best, He Felt No Pain, Body Bag, My Heart Hurts For You, Him, Your Family,I Can't Imagine How You Must Be Feeling, Steven is Watching Over All Of His Family, This Must Be So Hard For You, You doing OK?,This Too Shall Pass, God Has You in His Hands,You Will Eventually Get Over This, God Knows Best, At Least You Had 30 Wonderful Years Together, You Are A Strong Person Who Needs To Get On With His Life, Dirt Bag, Pain In The Ass, Monologues, Go Cry In Your Beer, Enough, You Are A Survivor, Things Will Be OK."

"We didn't start the fire,It was always burning,Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire, No we didn't light it, But we tried to fight it. When we are gone, Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on........"?

"Would you know my name,If I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same If I saw you in heaven? Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand,If I saw you in heaven? Beyond the door,There's peace I'm sure,And I know there'll be no more Tears in heaven."

Strange Conundrum this words business.

Some of these words came from people who may have wanted to sincerely offer comfort but do know not what to say about death, especially the death of a young person, which leaves them with nothing to say, equals say some of the above or don't say anything, equals avoid saying anything about Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, Don't Even Say His Name, Avoid Steven's Family, because it is too hard, too scary, and ugly to touch reality and feel that this could be YOU!

Victims and Victims families are treated the same as dying terminally ill human beings, to be avoided, ignored, as if we are contagious with death, except for the rare human being, who by their actions, truly, unconditionally demonstrate their love of us. Actions Speak Louder than Words, Words mean Nothing by themselves.

Tomorrow Is Steven's Birthday

Tomorrow September 23, 2010 is my son Steven's birthday.

He would have been 33 years of age.

I dread the coming of his birthday almost as much as the date of his death. While I don't ever stop thinking about my first born son Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, my inner pain begins to silently morph upwards in the weeks before both dates.

It has been close to 3 long years since I last hugged and kissed Steven, 2 and a half years since we spoke on the phone,it feels like an eternity because it is. Steven is gone forever, the memories I have of him will always be a part of me, but they fail at making any difference in the reality of his loss.

I am grateful for what I still have in life, yet I can never wish away his death. It has become a part of who I am and is a way to remember Steven not only as he was but how he died. Many of those who love Steven choose to remember him as he was, but I am not comfortable in doing that as his father.

Steven was an amazing human being and his life was filled with many people, events, and wonderful times for all that had the privilege of knowing him. He truly touched those he met in many different ways and is remembered in the hearts and minds of all who loved him.

As his father, I know that Steven was a special man, gifted, compassionate, funny, honest, self taught, he could teach himself and others anything, an oh so skilled at whatever he did. I will always be proud of Steven and who he was in his short time on this earth. A father could not ask for more from such a loving son.

I get stuck on his death part. I cannot seem to even remotely comprehend the reasons of fate, a second here or there would have kept him safe, and the gross negligence on the part of others that unnecessarily killed Steven. I guess what started out for me as a way to just find out the details of how Steven died, to make sure he was not alone, that the causes of his death were clearly understood, was a way for me to try to insure that while I could not as his father keep him from dying, I would at least make certain that all the facts of his death were accurately recorded.

That began my ongoing journey to the discoveries of the real truths that caused his death. The endless calls, communications, and good people who helped me in this quest for Justice and accountability from those entities and individuals who stole Steven's life from him. The evil ones, who to this day try to make it seem that Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff never lived, and never died at their hands. They would sweep his life away in a second to avoid their responsibility if they could, and they may succeed in doing that yet.

I often dwell on the horrific, painful manner in which Steven died, the actual facts, real pictures, and feelings that I imagine he felt as he slowly died for over 45 minutes, during mass confusion. I wonder what he felt in that split nano second just before the collision and then right after, since he was still aware of his surroundings. I wonder about the terrifying fear that he felt while he was being treated, his loneliness, his pain, and I cannot seem to stop thinking about that. I see his grotesquely damaged face and body staring out out me from a body bag, photos seared into my mind, taken by the California Highway Patrol and the Coroners Office. I tremble uncontrollably every time I go near those photos and others like them on my computer, mostly never being able to open those particular picture files after my original 2 or 3 views. I want to, but I can't, they are just too real, too painful, too ugly, no wonder so many people want to only remember Steven in life, as he was, and avoid the details of his death, or their demanding justice for him

I am the keeper of his files, the archivist of his horrible death, who else will do it, who else should do it, this is my responsibility to protect Steven's dignity, the truth, and due process in death. It is the very least I can do for him.

For the last year, in our quest to obtain justice for Steven, we have become part of the extremely dysfunctional legal system as victims. We have highly skilled, very much human, kind, caring, the best of attorneys to represent Steven. Yet it is a legal system that appears to me as having no compassion, few rights, and no sense of basic human respect for victims and their families. A system that appears to me to largely be a well paid industry of posturing actors/actresses, theater of the absurd, and manipulations of legal words to hide the truth. Laws that are meant to protect, to give due process, appear to me as instead being mocked and circumvented, manipulated by those who see themselves as "owning" the system to do with as they wish. Justice and the truth appear to me as almost invisible while bullying, billing hours, out of control egos, legal monetary costs, and untruths at any cost, seem to rule the day.

The pain of losing Steven, my first born son can never be changed, but he lived and his life was stolen from him and our family by those who contributed to his death and continue to try to make believe that there never was a Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff. My son was an amazing person, he did not deserve to die nor be treated in death with such a disrespectful, disgraceful manner.

Steven was our child, our brother, our friend, we will never hug him again, never kiss him or talk to him, his dreams will never be fulfilled, he will never have a family of his own, never have his own children, never be be a father, and never have his chance to change the world in the way only he was capable of doing.

Shouldn't I as a parent, wonder about such things, do the very best of my ability to get him justice, it may not be healthy, but is it that mysterious about why I am stuck here?

In memory of Steven, whenever you read this post, please take a minute to think of the person, Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff.- Jerry



The views and opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of anyone else. The views and opinions expressed on this website, be they in text, pictures or sound, are my own not those of any one else. Any points of information written in this blog should not be considered facts and I will not be held liable were they to be considered as such and subsequently cause issues. While I try and make this blog as accurate to my life as possible some things are deliberately left out or censored and as such my postings are not to be considered in any way a viable method for judging my character or suitableness, doing so will be considered an infringement of my rights. Where possible any infringement of my rights will be pursued using applicable points of law.

Our STEVEN dies a second time,when no one speaks his name

STEVEN NATHANIEL WOLKOFF


My friend Maxine sent me this article below. Reading it evoked many of the feelings that I experience losing Steven. While you may be able to understand the pain my family has, you can never feel it.

In reading the article below it evoked many of the same feelings that I experience about the loss of Steven. Perhaps it will give you further insight into my world. -Jerry

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776&sc=fb&cc=fp

Now We Are Alone: Living On Without Our Sons by Linton Weeks September 3, 2010

Courtesy of Linton Weeks- Jan and Linton Weeks with their sons Holt (second from right) and Stone (left) who both were killed in a car crash a year ago.

My wife, Jan, and I did not celebrate a damn thing this summer. We didn't take a family vacation or meet up with old friends or invite neighbors to our backyard for a picnic. Instead, we got in the car one morning and drove to the annual national conference of The Compassionate Friends, a support organization for parents who have lost a child.

Or, in our case, children. All of our children.

Just a year earlier, we were very happy and lighthearted. We were content in our work and our marriage, and we had two beautiful, amazing sons — Stone, 24, and Holt, 20.

We spent several wonderful days with them at a family reunion in Nashville on that July weekend in 2009. Stone and Holt had each worked so hard to be at a glorious point in their two lives. And they were finally together, delighted to be living in the same city after spending several years apart.

No matter how your child dies, there is an undeniable sense of failure among bereaved parents. Jan and I are haunted by Stone's and Holt's violent, senseless deaths, and all the wrongs that can never be righted.
The four of us laughed so much. And we had serious discussions, talking history and politics. We listened to music and danced and told stories. As Jan and I said goodbye to them, we gave them hugs.

It was the last time we ever saw them.
Less than two weeks later, on July 23, 2009, as they were driving home to be with us again, they were killed by a massive tractor-trailer truck. It plowed into their car while they were stopped in traffic on a Virginia highway. We received the heart-smashing news on an early Friday morning. Ever since that instant, we have been living in — no, wandering through — a meaningless, joyless, surreal world. And feeling very alone.

Now, a year later, Jan and I were at a hotel in Arlington, Va., with more than 1,400 other people who also have lost a child. We were at the 33rd annual gathering of The Compassionate Friends. It's an organization to which none of its members want to belong. And yet, for scores of people we run into at the conference, The Compassionate Friends is a lifesaver.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

'You Are Not Alone'
The three-day event was packed with lectures, sharing sessions and more than 100 workshops that had titles like "Witnessing the Death" and "A Deafening Silence: Communication Issues for Bereaved Families."

The overarching message of the organization: Losing a child is an alienating experience. You are alienated from everything you knew before the event — your friends, your family, your self. Nothing is the same. By gathering together and sharing experiences with others who are alienated in the same way, you may be able to go on living.

Chuck and Kathy Collins lost their daughter Tiffanie to bacterial meningitis in 1996. This summer, they chaired the national conference of The Compassionate Friends. You can read more about the organization here.

Our first stop was the orientation for first-time attendees. There were hundreds of people in the room. David and Peggy Gibson of Nashville — whose 23-year-old daughter, Paige, died of a malignant brain tumor in 1985 — handed out gentle advice. "This is your grief journey — you are not alone," Peggy Gibson said to everyone. "You are a member of this family."

David told about meeting a woman at a previous conference. She had tears in her eyes and she said three things to him: "This has been wonderful. This has saved my life. I do not want to go home."

This year's gathering was organized by Chuck and Kathy Collins of Fairfax, Va., whose daughter, Tiffanie, died in 1996. As the convention began, Kathy led us all in The Compassionate Friends credo: "We reach out to each other in love to share the pain as well as the joy, share the anger as well as the peace, share the faith as well as the doubts, and help each other to grieve as well as to grow. We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends."

The keynote speaker was former Sen. Gordon Smith of Oregon, whose son, Garrett, committed suicide in 2003 at age 22 after battling bipolar disorder and depression. Gordon Smith told the audience that he learned the news from police officers. "As the door closed, shock and numbness held me for a moment above what looked like the blackest depths of sorrow and failure. Joy vanished," he said.

Stone And Holt Weeks: Brothers, Best Friends

Stone and Holt Weeks were both working as researchers at Rice University in Houston at the time of their deaths.

Stone, 24, was the research assistant for historian Douglas Brinkley, having worked most recently on a book about Theodore Roosevelt and the environmental movement. Holt, 20, was in his second summer as an intern at the James A. Baker III Institute for Public Policy. He was to start his junior year of college at Rice in the fall.

The brothers were killed on July 23, 2009, while stopped in highway traffic, heading home to Washington, D.C., to visit their parents and attend a publication event for the Roosevelt book.
(You can read more about the Weeks brothers at stoneandholtweeksfoundation.org.)

"Years of striving and achieving now appeared as ashes to me," he continued. "Success in business, service in church, even election to the United States Senate — in an instant, it all seemed meaningless, even vain. I had failed to save my own son and I felt I had failed at my most important and lasting responsibility: that of family, that of fatherhood."

No matter how your child dies, there is an undeniable sense of failure among bereaved parents. Jan and I are haunted by Stone's and Holt's violent, senseless deaths, and all of the wrongs that can never be righted. Including the biggest of them all — we could not save our sons from death. We should have been the ones who died first, not our precious boys.

We carry that guilt in our already shattered hearts, and we relearn every morning when we wake up that the loss of our children is something we will never get over. Or past. Or through.

At the conference luncheon, Maria Housden, whose daughter Hannah died of cancer at age 3 — nearly 16 years ago — spoke of the challenges: "I am profoundly grateful for gatherings like this one where we can be together, share our stories, our loved ones' names, our memories, our grief. We need to come together to support one another because our culture does so little to prepare us for death, especially the death of a child."

The pain we feel following the death of a child, Maria said, is compounded by our inexperience and the inexperience of those around us. We feel isolated from our culture. From our friends, our families, our work.

And so The Compassionate Friends conference brought together all of us isolates.

To Bond And To Cry

Here was a vast collection of painful, tragic stories. Every person was there because of unspeakable sorrow. Yet the protocol of the gathering is to speak of that sorrow when you meet someone.

Courtesy of Mitch Carmody
Mitch Carmody with his son Kelly,who died of cancer at the age of 9.

His daughter was killed in a motorcycle crash; her son was murdered; their baby died just after being born.

The Compassionate Friends embraces us all. With more than 600 local chapters and regular chapter meetings, it is several support groups rolled into one — a suicide prevention hot line, a forum for patients with incurable heart disease, and a rehab clinic for people who are likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.

We had been in deep grief for slightly less than a year, but we were struck that many conference-goers had been coming back year after year. For years — to bond, and to cry with old friends and new friends over children lost long ago or more recently.

Because of our extreme circumstances, Jan and I were especially interested in about a half-dozen panel discussions, including "Sudden Death — Vehicular" and "Hope for Bereaved Parents with No Surviving Children." We attended a "Multiple Loss" workshop for parents who have lost more than one child.

Our child dies a second time when no one speaks their name.

During one break, we browsed in the gift shop. People were buying ornaments, jewelry, knitted things, teddy bears and memory bracelets. Many sported those secret symbols of eternal love: butterflies, dragonflies, sunflowers. Jan, who has read many books about grief already, bought more books.

In the afternoon, she sat in on a session called "Whispers of Love: Signs from Our Children" led by Mitch Carmody of Minnesota, whose 9-year-old son, Kelly, died of cancer in 1987. Mitch said he felt burdened by the pressure to get over the death of his son for 10 years, until one day he looked at a photo of Kelly and fell to his knees and wept. "Our child dies a second time," Mitch said, "when no one speaks their name."

Another Day
At the end of the first day, Jan and I were exhausted. We didn't have the stamina to stay for the evening sharing sessions. We heard that they often go on for hours.

Instead, we drove home. And went to bed, not really sure if we had the energy to go through another day of workshops and panel discussions.

But the next morning, for more than one reason, we were in the car again, two sorrow-filled parents driving through Washington to go back to the conference. For another day, in a place where we did not feel quite so all alone.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

My posts on this blog and elsewhere often exude anger, sometimes love. Emotions of extremes, or are they really so opposite? What does my anger have to do with Love?

Often it is my intention to point out feeling of injustice, mistreatment, helplessness, violations of basic human rights, lack of control in this world, but on this blog in particular, about the unecessary horrific death of my first born son, Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff.

The commonality among most of my posts on this blog is that there has been a violation of expectations, of the order of reality, and the unreal bizarre things that are now our reality. In other words, my responses to situations with a sense that this shouldn't be happening, especially not to my family, not to me. There is a certain way things should be: we are innocent victims, we have rights, we have pride, and Steven should be alive today. My family should not be suffering in endless pain and Steven did not deserve to experience the agony he felt, as he slowly, painfully died. All of these go against the natural order of life, a parent should not bury their child.

What the Wolkoff's or anyone else does is their business, as long as they do not deliberately physically injure anyone in the process of living their lives. We should be able to complete it, it should work out as expected it would; this is the way things are supposed to be done in this society, and certain variations introduce chaos and cannot be permitted; the world has a certain lawfulness to it, including supposedly a justice that is above any merely social law, and you or this event violates that lawfulness.

I often refer to "YOU" as those who do not take responsibilty, ownership for their actions and/or inactions on the lives of others. It seems to have become the new social norm of our society, where it is always someone else's fault, never the person or entity that causes the harm.

I also refer to it as the ARROGANCE OF LAW, practiced by THE INSTITUTIONS OF our LEGAL SYSTEM, without any conscience, no regard, to right or wrong, fairness, victims rights, human rights, or justice. THESE INSTITUTIONS OF LAW supposedly in charge of fairly enforcing Laws and protecting us, instead deliberately manipulate laws, acting ruthlessly, indiscriminately, no different than a Mafia criminal would act in ignoring the value of a human life.

It is clear, though, that not everyone responds to these situations with anger. I am one of those people that do, for I have been through the injustice of all the above many times in my life and know that unless one becomes proactive, nothing will happen to address these issues.

Most of us are taught to bury our anger. I don't, my anger involves an active response to the problem. Anger sees the problem as "out there" rather than "in here," and I see it as something to be confronted, rather than run away from. I have always become angry at unjust things that happen to others, even when these things don't impact on me. I often have identified with the "underdog" and put myself in someone else's shoes (love, sympathy, empathy, compassion).

My anger still exits for helping those "others", but ever since Steven's death and the continuing deliberate way that we as victims are re-victimized, disrespected, and dehumanized, it is real personal now.

My anger comes from my soul, from who I am, it also comes from who Steven was and could have been, and seeing how my family has been traumatized. I believe that despite all the physical and behavioral effects so easily associated with anger, it is basically coming from my inner being, my soul.

Life can be unfair. My anger is an expression of intense love for those I care about. I desire to return to the time before Steven's death, an effort at removing the things, or events that so dramatically, permanently changed our lives forever. Anything else is just a substitute. This desire cannot be attained. You just can't reverse time.

So, like Don Quiote, I tilt at windmills, trying my best to re-establish a just world for my loved ones, a lawful world, where things go as they should. I want justice, accountability FOR STEVEN, for my family. This is "only fair." My anger and my love act as symbolic creatures, expressing my feelings, "venting" them, hopefully bringing the truth to others, of injustice. I try to light a fire under the asses of all who can help us, and expose those who try to hide the truth. This is the "civilized" response, but it tends to degenerate in its effectiveness in the face of those who will stop at nothing to keep the truth from being told, who profit by manipulating their power, or the laws to hide behind, and thwart justice from being served.

What does all this mean to me?

I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting or have my children obsessively thinking about things we should have done or said in defense of what has happened to Steven and us. I want there to be a clear self understanding, regardless of the legal outcomes, that we ALL did our personal very best, that we have hired the most professional lawyers to bring justice and accountability to Steven having his life unnecessarily stolen from him.

I want Steven to be remembered forever as the awesome brother, son, friend, human being that he was in our lives, and that he made a positive difference to each of us, HE LIVED, and yes he died for no reason at all. Who will be the truthful loved ones to honor Steven and talk of his journey for generations to come, so that he will never be forgotten?

Anger is a "normal" state, not a pathological one. There may be better ways to deal with problems, but this is a very human one. The essence of my anger is a response to a violation of what I perceive to be the rules of reality that we cannot and should not adapt, nor accept that violation, that its source is out there and should be changed.

It would be wonderful to return to "normality," to some sort of justice, lawfulness, people being held responsible for their behavior when it hurts others. Personally I know this is likely not remotely feasible, but I attempt to approach this as a goal, as best as I can. I do so with my anger and my love, because that is who I am. It is the very best that I know how to respect Steven, my children, and myself.

Part 2-god Does Not Bless America Or Americans

Justice has no positive miracles for innocent victims, in my fantasy I imagined the Justice System forcing the State of California to use a Public Defender and do the best they can at preparing a defense, which is what would have happened if it were you or I were the defendant.

The Govt. gets what it wants using the most ridiculous motion of having no $ to defend themselves and it has now been approved by the System. This will delay the Jury Trial of Steven's wrongful death case against ALL the defendants to a future, different rescheduled date.

We have already filed the necessary legal Order for the setting of a new trial date .

While I expected this and was told by our Lawyers this would happen, I am nevertheless upset that this continued mockery of Justice prevails- The Circus and Theater of The Absurd goes on. There is no such thing as true justice and the legal system is not interested in protecting the rights of victims. It is a truly ugly reality- Do NOT for a second believe that we live in a society whose laws treats all of us equally.

I promise this- We will NOT give up the fight, and we will outwait, outlast, "them", and persevere, doing our very best, to obtain those rights against all those who would deny us, FOR STEVEN.



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