BELOVED SON, BROTHER,GRANDSON,
GENTLY THEY GO,
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS
I dread the coming of this day every year.
Steven died on the first day of Summer, it was 5 PM on a Saturday afternoon, exactly eight years ago.
It seems so much longer than eight years have gone by since we lost him.
Oh how he loved the summer months and life itself. He was looking forward to it all, never realizing that his life would end that day in 2008.
I posted the other pictures above of Steven because they are some of my favorite ones, and also he is so real, alive in them, and for a second, he seems to actually be here.
The last time I would talk to you, and hear your beautiful voice.
A smiling face, with twinkling eyes, your special smile, my fine young man, my oldest child.
The shattered remnant of my heart with holes so black and fathomless no light can ever fill. I am and will be in shock forever.
That moment is frozen in my mind, repeating itself endlessly almost every waking and sleeping moment of my life.
The tragic death of Steven was caused by stupid, senseless acts. Every day, each night, my mind is focused on the highway at the collision, looking at Steven’s face while he is alive and then later, he is dead, covered by a tarp on the highway.
The collision seems less a random act, and more determined, by a series of factors, not so benign, each one a contributing cause of my son’s death.
Steven was killed not by accident, but by horribly connected actions, and inaction's, of many others, each building on the impact of the other. Steven’s death began when distinct acts of design and error grew to become the chaos of negligence.
The responder’s mission, to stabilize Steven for triage care at the Hospital, failed, lost in a few hundred square feet of disorder, with no one in charge, no one leading, standing, telling, helping, shouting, or recognizing the obvious signs of their medical errors.
My son Steven was killed by carelessness, thoughtlessness, and negligence on the part of multiple entities and individuals.
A gifted, talented, precious, irreplaceable, meaningful life was stolen from all of us who loved him deeply, because of the actions of so many who, each in their own way, miserably failed to help Steven, all destroying Steven’s life.
I cannot believe that my son Steven lies buried in a grave so young, me dreaming of things that he was and might have been.
I have written my own Mourners Kaddish as a way to honor Steven, and I post it every year at this time.
It is my way of expressing that Steven left behind a legacy of goodness, and worthy descendants, those who loved him, who will always remember that he lived.
These sentences speak directly to Steven, because his pain and loss need to be honestly described in real words that accurately reflect my true feelings.
STEVEN NATHANIEL WOLKOFF'S MOURNERS KADDISH
Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, Shmuel Nacham Ben Yaakov, (Samuel Nathan, Son of Jerry).
September 23, 1977- June 21, 2008
I am sorry that you are dead.
I am sorry you suffered so painfully, on that awful day, as you fought to stay alive.
I am sorry for the agony you felt, I see it in your eyes, face, and body from the horrific evidence photos. I see and feel it in my endless nightmares.
I am sorry for the fear, terror, unimaginable pain you felt in fighting for your life, as they killed you. I know the truth of your courage in being able to fight so bravely to stay alive.
I am sorry for you because you were not killed by accident, but instead by the senseless, stupid, careless, actions of so many others who could have saved your life, but instead, each in their own way, miserably failed you that day, never realizing or even considering taking responsibility, or accountability for the consequences of their actions, inaction's, indifference, and incompetence.
I am sorry you died not due to fate, nor randomly, but were instead killed by the cascading chaos of connected, dysfunctional, defective entities and others, all who caused your preventable death.
I am sorry that you died because of the 21 year old drug impaired driver speeding out of control into your car. His danger to you not in his thoughts, but mostly I think he just didn't care about the effects of his irresponsible actions.
I am sorry about the inept, licensed, qualified, medical first responders who had no idea, not a clue, of what they were doing medically to you as they killed you. They have no consciences and lied to hide how they murdered you in cold blood.
I am sorry for you, that so many corrupt, ugly cowards of evil, who have evidence of the truth, but have no conscience to speak up, remain silent, lie, omit, refuse to come forward to admit their responsibility in covering up the true facts that all contributed to killing you.
I am sorry that your soul and body were desecrated in death.
I am sorry for the wicked hideous ones who desecrated your body in death and refuse to take accountability for their violation of your body, your soul.
I am sorry that it has took us five years to finally successfully legally force the spiteful, hateful San Mateo County Coroner to release your final remains for proper burial.
I am sorry that you died in spite of the true medical facts that show you should be alive today.
I am sorry for all the multitude of evil ones who have tried to defame you and erase that your name.
I am sorry that life is so cheap and yours has no value to those who killed you and try to erase you ever existed.
I am sorry that the Legal system is weak, corrupt and I was not able to obtain justice for you. I failed to accomplish getting that Justice for you, please forgive me.
I am sorry for my failing as your father to keep you from dying.
I am sorry you did not leave the beach one second earlier or later to return home that day of June, 21, 2008.
I am sorry that I was not there to protect you.
I am sorry that I was not there that day to comfort you, hold you, ease your pain.
I am sorry that I don't know the last thoughts in your mind before you died.
I am sorry that you died alone, with strangers, and no one even had the courage, kindness to hold your hand.
I am sorry that you died lying on a hot highway pavement, in a place unfamiliar, in the middle of nowhere.
I am sorry that no one had the decency to cover your right arm and both feet, as you lay dead under the blue tarp.
I am sorry the Medvac trauma helicopter was delayed in arriving there by 4 minutes, too late to stop the killer first responders from touching you.
I am sorry that I was not even able to protect your dignity in death.
I am sorry you cannot cry.
I am sorry you cannot scream.
I am sorry you cannot laugh.
I am sorry you cannot smile.
I am sorry you cannot feel.
I am sorry you cannot talk.
I am sorry you cannot breathe.
I am sorry you are silent forever.
I am sorry that I had to bury you and that you didn't bury me first, as it should be.
I am sorry for everything that I forgot to say now, or cannot, and did not say here.
I am sorry for YOU because you are not here, you are NO MORE on this earth.
I am sorry that you cannot rest in peace.
Your family will always honor you, remember you, miss you, keep you in our heart, preserve your memory in lovingly telling future generations about you, and love you forever.
We all miss you so very much.
You deserved so much better my son, it just wasn’t meant to be.
Your brother, sister, mother, family, and others who love you, will do the same. We will never forget YOU, never stop loving you, our precious beloved Steven. NEVER.
Steven, I can only say, I am SORRY, SORRY, I am so SORRY.