Friday, September 23, 2011


 Dear Steven:                                                  

             Today, September 23, 2011 is your 34th birthday.

It has been 3 and a half years since you were killed.

I remember when you were born and the magical, feelings of being there, watching you, my first child, as you breathed life as part of the miraculous moments of birth. I remember the happy times we all had being together as a family, experiencing the precious baby, child, teenager, and man you became. I remember how you always asked me as a child to tell you a story before going to sleep, in particular you wanted to hear story's about my own childhood. No sooner did I finish the story, you would lovingly say to me "tell me the story again". I remember so much more, I will never forget you, and the unique love we shared as son and father.

I remember how proud you always made me feel that you were more than any father could ever want in a son.

I miss you more than anything I can say in words. I love you more than anything can describe that I feel. It was 30 years of love and happiness that you gave to all of your family. You taught me how to love and the meaning of what is important about life.

You will never be 34, never be all that you would have become in embracing a full life if you had been allowed to live. You didn't deserve to die, didn't deserve to endure so much insufferable pain, and today you should  be alive, here with all of us, but for the negligence, indifference, of uncaring, irresponsible others who killed you. This nightmare cannot be true, but it is not a bad dream that we ever wake up from, you are dead forever.  

The brutal reality is that every single day and night you are not here, and I am sorry for your life being stolen from you, that you cannot feel the sun, rain, snow, air, laughter, be with those you love, and enjoy the simple every day experiences of life.

I hope you feel no fear, no pain any more,  that you are not lost, or alone, and I often wonder if you are here, in some way your soul still living, perhaps the red Robin that often perches on the tree limb outside of my window, or in the wind as it touches my face. I want to comfort you, touch you, talk to you, there is so much catching up to do, but none of this is possible.

I think of you almost all the time. I see your face everywhere, I hear your voice all the time as young men come and go and it is as if you were just with me, my hugging you and kissing your cheeks. 

I think of you when I hear the song "Tears In Heaven", it makes me wonder, ask unanswered questions, and sometimes cry. I dedicate it to you, forever, my beloved first born, my Stevie. 

               TEARS IN HEAVEN

There will never be closure, how can there be any way to explain your horrific tragedy?
The pain of your death gets worse every day that goes by. There is no Steven to touch anymore.  I know this was not how it was meant to be. In this part of life we were  all supposed to be smiling. Steven should be with his family, friends, loved ones, at the ballgame, not dead in a dark grave, 6 feet deep, rotting away. He should be across the table at holidays, eating, blowing out the candles on his birthday cake. He should be living, not  being written about being dead.

I miss you so very much as only a parent who has lost a child can describe of an emptiness, feelings  that never goes away, of the deepest, darkest, most painful hole inside our gut.

I said it often to you, that I LOVE YOU STEVEN, and you ALWAYS responded to me " I LOVE YOU TOO DAD".

I so miss the words, the feelings, the hello's and the goodbye's. I never knew that you would not return, that it was the last time we would see each other, talk on on the phone, and say the words of our love. It breaks my heart.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN but there is no response anymore. Love-Dad.