Bananas-Day-o

In a ritual that I have repeated hundreds of times, today I stopped by the local neighborhood mom & pop fruit store. My usual purchases of apples, onions, OJ, and always the greenest bananas that I can find. I really hate just a few days after buying them when the yellow bananas get mushy and don't taste good, those little fruit flies multiplying by the second, flying all over the place, ugh.


Buying bananas is a science to me, some people excel at picking the best cantaloupes, honey dews or other fruits. My expertise is in selecting, detecting, inspecting the finest greenest bananas. I am the Juan Valdez of Banana pickers, you remember Juan, from those old coffee bean picker commercials on TV, only the best are selected by demanding experts, like us.


I even know where the owners secretly stash their green bananas because they have to efficiently as a business sell the bananas by rotating the too ripe bananas getting sold quickly and not get stuck with throwing them out, so there is also a science to their not putting the green bananas out too early for the customers to buy. It really is a complicated theory to understand, especially on weekends when no new shipments arrive. Never buy bananas on the weekend, they are old, and ready to rot.


If you ask them for green bananas, they will say they don't have any, but a few weeks ago I discovered their hiding place for the stash, hidden deeper than Bin Laden was. So I buy my stuff and also get 2 nice bunches of green bananas and go to the checkout. This really nice hard working kid, the owners son, does checkout and we always talk about sports, his store, the weather, whatever naturally comes to mind. Today he asked me about how the weather was outside, even though he is standing 3 feet from the outside door and window. I get the feeling that his family chains him to the checkout counter and even makes him hold in his bodily fluids until his shift is over, before they allow him to use the bath room. No doubt he is also watched by them through wireless video cameras. I never see him eat anything, no time off for breakfast, lunch, dinner. He is skinny as a rail, like a toothpick.


So I get home and put my purchases away but I only can find 1 bunch of bananas, where is the second bunch? We all have "senior moments" for a lot of different things, I can understand throwing your car keys in the garbage during one of those "moments", it happens, but how does one misplace a bunch of bananas?


You know the drill,"Oh Shit" while going through the shopping bags from the fruit store already in the garbage can, looking in the front and back floors of the car, retracing the steps taken once the bags entered the house. Strange, still no bananas, so the next step is always "if I were a (fill in the missing senior moment item) a bunch of bananas on the lam, where would I go to hide? It would be the most unlikely place that they would go to outsmart and torture ones search to find them. So I looked in the bathroom, my bed, a couple of other strange places, nothing found.


OK seriously, this is bothering me now, it's not like the end of the world but kind of embarassing to me, how does one lose a large bunch of at least 6 bananas. I figure surely the kid forgot to put them in my bag or I left a bag in the wagon by the store parking lot. Like I said these are green trophy bananas, I want them, I need them. So I quickly jump into my car, shoeless bare feet, wrong eyeglasses on, no drivers license and I put the pedal to the medal to go back to the store and reclaim my lost bananas before someone steals these prize bananas.


Great, my wagon is right where I left it in the parking lot and my Brooklyn automatic radar scans the wagon in a nano second before I am even out of the car, no bananas in the wagon. I go into the store and ask the nice kid "did I leave my bananas here at the check out counter, or do you have a magic trick that makes them disappear and can now make them reappear". The kid looks at me with a weird look and says no there are no bananas, he says that he remembers putting them in my bag with the apples. I look back at him with my own strange look, and say,"that is strange , I can't find the bananas I bought". We both then look silently at each other and I make a strategic withdrawal back to my car, hoping he doesn't think I am too crazy.


I know that I need to just retrace my steps again, also look in the most obvious places now, since often things will reappear right in front of ones eyes, that we didn't see the first time. Well I looked and looked, no bananas. Gone, that bothers me for an hour or so, or more. Well actually it still bothers me, I almost always solve these mysteries.


I imagine in my mind the kid munching on my bunch of green bananas, having a good time in enjoying my "gift", or someone immediately seeing the bag left in the wagon when I drove away and they are admiring this beautiful bunch of green bananas, on their counter at home, a lottery winner of the day for them.


I guess that this will get chalked up to one of those very mysterious forces of nature that we all encounter and cannot solve. I refuse to consider this as "my senior moment", this will go down as a "cold case" of petty larceny by banana stealing gypsies. I do know that I will now add bananas to my long list of things to check in the future before I leave a store, Bank, or anyplace.


The sun is now beginning to set as I look outside from the comfort of my  homes living room window, I hear myself humming softly a song from my youth, so many years ago,  but of course one of those "important" things still for no known reason remembered by me-It was sung by Harry Belafonte:
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Work all night on a drink of rum
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Stack banana till de morning come
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Beautiful bunch of ripe (GREEN) banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Hide the deadly black tarantula
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day....ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home


I am home and I still have 1 bunch of green, fresh bananas to tally man and eat.

Arrogance

This speaks for itself, sent to me today by someone dear to me in New Zealand. So grotesque that I hid it from my own children. It is about the truth of unlimited arrogance and inhumanity, ignoring the sanctity of a human being in a heartless, barbaric, inhumane way. They killed Steven in life, violated his dignity and sacredness in death, like he was a piece of garbage. They steal his life, violate his dignity, desecrate his body, and hide behind cowardice,with no accountability, no conscience for their behavior. They will do anything necessary to hide the truth. Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff was a human being, HE LIVED, WE LOVED HIM!

We know how to stand up to scum like you, understand very clearly that you will have to crush all of us before we stop fighting to obtain JUSTICE FOR STEVEN!

http://www.insidebayarea.com/news/ci_17544933

San Mateo County coroner sued by parents upset over handling of dead son's brain

By Joshua Melvin jmelvin@bayareanewsgroup.com

Posted: 03/05/2011 06:50:44 AM PST

Updated: 03/05/2011 06:50:44 AM PST

REDWOOD CITY -- Coroner Robert Foucrault is being sued by another family over the handling of their child's remains.

Jerald and Sandra Wolkoff, of New York, said the coroner allowed a person unaffiliated with the county agency to take tissue from the brain stem of their son Steven Wolkoff, according to a suit filed Feb. 24 in San Mateo County Superior Court.


They responded with "shock and horror" when they learned his tissue had been cut into pieces and analyzed without their consent, according to the complaint. They seek an unspecified amount of damages.


Foucrault, when reached by phone Friday, said his office has done nothing wrong, and he was surprised to learn of the complaint. "My office and the county did everything according to law," he said. "We did everything proper."


Chief Deputy County Counsel Lee Thompson declined to comment Friday because he said his office had not yet been served with the suit.


The Wolkoffs are the second set of parents in recent years to sue Foucrault over the handling of their child's remains. Selina Picon, of Daly City, claimed the coroner illegally kept the heart of her 23-year-old son, Nicolas, after an autopsy. That suit was thrown out last May by the California 1st District Court of Appeal, which ruled she hadn't proved the Coroner's Office was obligated to get her consent to keep the organ. The state Supreme Court has declined to review that decision.

Wolkoff 30, died in a car crash in June 2008 in a car crash in June 2008 on Highway 1 near Pescadero and was autopsied by the San Mateo County Coroner's Office. 

Some of Wolkoff's brain tissue was kept after the procedure, but the family was notified of it. After Picon's suit was filed, Foucrault had adopted a policy of informing families when body parts are kept.

About a year after his death, Wolkoff's parents filed a lawsuit that claimed numerous people and agencies had been responsible. Among the defendants was American Medical Response, a company that contracts with San Mateo County to provide ambulance service.

As part of the company's response to the Wolkoff's first lawsuit, it hired Quest Discovery Services to collect evidence for the case. A Quest pathologist got Foucrault's permission to take some samples of Wolkoff's brain tissue.

The man's parents argue this violates state law, which they say prevents a coroner from turning over body parts to someone who is not a coroner for research.

The tissue, according to the suit, was taken not for the purpose of determining the cause of death, but to use it as part of the litigation, which violates "an obligation to protect the dignity of the human body in it's final disposition."

The Wolkoffs claim it was only by accident that they discovered their son's tissue had been taken. One of Foucrault's pathologists, during a deposition as part of the earlier lawsuit, disclosed that the body parts had been turned over to the pathologist working for the ambulance company.

Contact Joshua Melvin at 650-348-4335.

The Wall and Why?

Isaiah 13:11- god said-I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins.

  

Yom Kippur-The Day of Atonement-The Book of Life is sealed by god determining who shall live and who shall die in the coming year based on their good deeds and their bad deeds.

There is NO such thing as Justice - In or Out of Court- Clarence Darrow.
 

On June 21, 2008, my wonderful, full of life 30 year old son, Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff was horrifically killed at the age of 30 by incompetent para medics, a California State System of dysfunctional Agencies, a corrupt legal system that provides no rights for victims to obtain justice, a DUI driver, who had no drivers license and did not care about another persons life, a defective medical device, and the actions, inaction's of numerous uncaring others. 

Steven is dead forever, yet as we seek to obtain Justice For Steven, those that killed him are not content with their evil deeds, they will not rest, nor will they stop at any point of this process, until they are successfully able to escape any responsibility on their part for causing his painful, horrific death, even trying to erase that Steven ever lived, that he was a human being. They use their money, and power to insure that there will be no justice for Steven, no accountability for their stealing his life from him, and no real story to be told about who Steven was in life, and in death .

Something is terribly wrong with this life and death thing, it seems to be backwards, evil gets rewarded with life, and being good gets you killed. 

Something is horribly wrong with a legal system that is easily manipulated to the highest bidder, for decisions that are based on distortions, lies, and personal greed, with justice for innocent victims no where to be found, and Laws disregarded at the whim of those in charge. The system of laws is all about being a business where money spent  and made is the guiding rule, justice is largely ignored.

Yet, this is not so confusing, look around us at the news every day, this is reality, something is horribly wrong

We all have the capacity to make personal and professional choices in the manner that we treat others and interact with each other. Anyone who says that they don't, is not being honest. Human beings should be able to understand the true results of their choices, that we can choose to love, have compassion, be responsible for our behavior, and value human life. In our world, life is unfortunately not like that and many horribly cruel and unfair events take place, which make absolutely no rational sense. Hate, suffering, and indifference have become the norm, while good people are being literally crushed out of existence. We have become a world in denial, a place where evil people choose to place the blame on innocent others, and decent human beings passively hide, hoping that evil will not strike them or their loved ones. They say the right words but always selfishly feel, good, it is not me, not my loved one. Then they return to their silent, hidden existence of denial.

I have a wall in the living room of my house that I call the "Wall Of Injustice". It is filled with items that I have placed there in remembrance of the worst injustices that I consider to be of importance to me. Reminders of injustice live there, as varied from Tianemmen Square protests in China, Nazis killing Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto, photos of my family who died as holocaust victims, photos and objects of personal, unfair, often violent tragedies, Steven's swimming goggles, and a eternal memorial light that burns 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It isn't easy to get on my wall of Justice. I am the sole decision maker who makes certain that the criteria for this wall has to be worthy of its place. There is a deliberate position for each item on the Wall, with a tiny limited empty space left, that I hope never to fill. 

I’m sitting here thinking about Steven lying in his grave and wondering to myself why god, or the fates, or whatever higher power, is given the ability to make such fickle, suffering, and often horrifying, deadly decisions. 

I mean, where’s the justice or the fair play we’re brought up to believe in? We’re always taught to believe in the greater good and how all things work out for the best. So where is the good in these endless situations of decent people who didn’t deserve the hand that was dealt to them? There are no do overs, no second chances, suffering, death by injustice is for keeps. The dead know that, so do the families of the victims.

And in the end, I’m still sitting here asking the question, Why?

Only The Good Die Young

MEGHAN MURPHY died 2 months after this post-REST IN PEACE DEAR MEGHAN- June 3, 1980-February 5, 2011

Jessica's best Friend Meghan Murphy (30 years old) is critically ill with cervical cancer that has now spread to her lungs. Yet Meghan remains amazingly courageous in writing her own online journal in such honest, open feelings. It is both humbling and an inspiration for myself to read her words in that journal.

This is a wonderful, loving, kid that ironically works as a cancer researcher. I have known Meghan for many years and she is one of those rare people that you love as soon as you meet her. A contagious smile sensitive, caring,modest,always bubbling with life, funny, so very smart, kind, and involved with saving the world.

Why is this happening to her when there are so many evil people in this world who seem to get away with murder, evil deeds, and still live to a ripe old age? Like Steven, Meghan's life is being stolen from her at such a young age, for no reason, while she has her entire world ahead of her. There is no Justice!!!

If you want to read Meghan's journal click on the link below-

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/meghanmurphy7

Today this is what Meghan Posted in her journal:

Not Dead, But This Is Heaven-Sunday, December 5, 2010 8:08 AM, EST

"If you wanted to design a place to help a friend heal, a quiet place she could rest, a nontoxic environment to help her immune system, a beautiful place to inspire her, a welcoming place for family and friends, next door to a place that would feed her raw organic food, massage her, detox her, give her space to exercise and swim... then you would have designed Alicia and Peter's condo.

This is a place to heal! Alicia has thought of everything even removing the chlorine from the shower. Since my lungs are on the fritz the chlorine pools and chlorine showers are trouble for me, but not here! Expect to see me clean:) and exercised.

And the space! After Manhattan I feel like we are in a castle, I cannot begin to fathom how I got so lucky, and you guys too, now you don't have to get $115 parking tickets when you visit.

We officially check in to Hippocrates this afternoon and ... the scary part... find out how much this is going to cost. But Colin and Micaela have been working on a discount and some angles are determined I can afford to go. I think it will be ok since I really can't do much or eat much yet. And I am hoping it works for my Mama Mia and Devon to take some of the classes. Looks like we will be growing wheat grass and making sprouted hummus!

You guys and the universe have certainly stepped in to make this happen, everything seems to fall into place which reassures me this was the right decision. I don't have to die getting chemo just because the powers that be think that is what's best for me. What's best for me is a lot more fun than that stinky old plan. And think of all the money New York State will save! Now, I feel like the philanthropist.

To be a part of this scheming, to help me and my Mom, all fundraising angels can go to:

http://teammeghan.blogspot.com

So many people have contributed I am just overwhelmed. I know I can never repay you so please accept my bottomless gratitude and know that your generosity is carrying me, alleviating my suffering, giving me hope and if need be, offering me a way to pass from this world that better suits me.

Love you and thank you.And thank you for all your posts!! Love,Meghan."

As you can see, feel, Meghan is fighting hard to delay or defeat her monster. Yet she worries if she loses her fight to live, that she will leave her mother with the debt of Meghan's medical expenses,student loans, etc. So very typical of Meghan Murphy to be staring down death and at the same time worrying that she may be a financial burden to her mom.These are regular people, like you and I, they don't deserve this suffering to be happening to them.

I post this on my blog, because it reminds me that although the situations of Steven being killed is very different than Meghan's, both Steven and Meghan represent enormous courage, terribly painful experiences, the human fighting spirit of never giving up, sanctity, preciousness of life, and the fragile wicked fate that can in a nano second change a life forever.

It reminds me that there are other good human beings that need our support, compassion, and caring. It also represents the fear, as a parent that we all have for our children, as a human being that we have for ourselves/loved ones, and yet despite much tragedy in my life, it makes me feel grateful for what I still have once I read Meghan's words.

If you pray, pray for Meghan, pray for her family, especially her mother, pray for Steven, pray for my family.There are many like us who live with the demons of our tragic losses, don't be afraid of us. If you don't pray, keep us all in your heart and soul, either way, don't abandon us, don't ignore us.

If you want to donate some money to pay for Meghan's expenses, no amount is too small or too large, you can easily do so by contributing to "Team Meghan" formed by a group of Meghan's friends-Simply click on the link below to take you to the Team Meghan web page-
http://teammeghan.blogspot.com

Steven would want you to do that, and so do I. Jerry

I Know Your Conscience Bothers You.

I know that your conscience is bothering you.

You are never far away in your mind and heart from thinking about the true facts that are being hidden about what happened to Steven. I know you visit my Blog and the Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff Memorial Web Site trying to give yourself some comfort, a connection to Steven and his family. It bothers you so much that Steven's life and his death are trying to be erased as if he never existed and that you can help prevent that from taking place.

I know that you care about what happened to Steven and that his negligent death weighs heavily on you. You are a decent person, it must be very difficult for you to live with these inner feelings, to realize that "they" may get away with killing Steven, and destroying our family. Yet you have the ability to stop this travesty of justice, it is the withholding of the truth of what really happened, the questions of due process, that is consuming you in guilt. It is Steven's soul that keeps talking to you, asking for your help.

I understand that you fear the consequences of helping, but can you allow Steven to have died so horrifically, painfully, without you coming forward to hold those accountable for stealing Steven's life, to provide justice FOR STEVEN? This guilt will never leave you, these demons will haunt you forever, unless you do the right thing.

If you fail to use the courage that you have and stand up for Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, then you will face a life time of knowing that you took the easy way out. Can you live with that torture?

I know you want to help, do it anonymously, do it through your personal/professional connections to others, or do it using your name, do it anyway you want, please, I plead with you, just do it, for Steven's sake and that of your own soul.

If you want, you can postal mail me the truths that have been hidden, or anything you believe will be helpful, To: Jerry Wolkoff, 1269 Jonathan Lane, Wantagh, NY.11793. I will make sure that they get into the hands of people who will insure that legal justice is done. No-one can trace your postal mail, I will destroy the envelope, I promise you.

There is still time to prevent yourself from living a life of hell, to fix some of the inhuman, despicable wrongs that have been done by others, to know that you did the best that you could do FOR Steven. You may think that the truth you have is not important, or means nothing, don't fool yourself, everything that happened to Steven from June 21, 2008, to the very end of time, is important.

At some point, it will be too late to help, Steven's legal case will end, and you will be unable to rid yourself of your ghosts. How much is it worth to you having peace of mind? How much is a human life worth? How much is the life of Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff worth? Please do the right thing, don't wait any longer. Thank You-Jerry Wolkoff

When Words Mean Nothing

Offensive Words Spoken To Me, When There Is Nothing That Can Be Said About FEELING The Loss Of Steven.

"God Needed Him, He is with the Angels, He is at Peace, He is in a Better Place, He is in Heaven Playing Golf, Have A Good day, Have a Good Weekend, Happy Birthday, How Many Kids Do You Have, What is Steven Doing These Days, He is OK, God is Watching Over Him, Can I Speak to Steven Wolkoff, Adobe Flash Player, Double Click, Free Wheel, Rich Streaming Media, DUI, DWI, Accident, Illegal Alien, Defense Lawyers, Depositions, Desecration, Disrespect, Arrogance of The Law, Arrogance Of The Evil, The Law, Justice, The Justice System, California, San Francisco, Court CASE #....., Consolidated, Master, Secondary, Judges, Politicians, District Attorney's, Justice Will Prevail, We Care, They Will Eventually Be Punished, Victims Have Rights,The Media, Time Will Heal Your Grief, Time Will Ease your Pain, Relax, You Will Get Over It, Are you Still Upset, Give It Time, Did you Sleep Well, Smile, How Are You Doing/Feeling, What is Wrong, It's Been ... Years and You Still Feel So Bad, Everything is Great, You Look Terrible, You Look Great, You don't Look That Bad, What Are You Doing With Yourself, I Envy You, I Hate You, Make A Life For Yourself, Get Out More, Pull Up Your Boot Straps, This Was The Worst Thing I Ever Heard, No I Won't Help You, No I/We........ I Understand, I Feel Your Pain, I Can't Really Understand But I know What It is Like For You, Is That really your Father And You in the Book How terrible And That didn't really Happen You Have an Overactive Imagination, Stop Thinking So Much, Memories Of The Good Times Will Help You Get Through This, Steven would Not Want You To.........., Steven Would Want You TO.........., Steven Wanted............,Steven Would Not Want...........,Steven Would Feel That......, He Would Want....., Feel...., Not Want......, We Would Rather Remember Steven/Him In The Good Times Than Think Of What Happened To Him At the End because We Don't Want To Know What Really Happened To Steven It hurts too Much thinking About IT!. Our Thoughts And Prayers Are With You, Take His Pictures Off The Wall, Leave His Pictures On The Wall, Words Cannot Even Express Our Sorrow, You Have An Angel Watching Over You, May the Comfort/Love Of God Help You During These Difficult Times, There is A Reason For Everything, To Live In Hearts Left Behind Is Not To Die,God Broke Your Hearts To Prove To You He Only Takes The Best, He Felt No Pain, Body Bag, My Heart Hurts For You, Him, Your Family,I Can't Imagine How You Must Be Feeling, Steven is Watching Over All Of His Family, This Must Be So Hard For You, You doing OK?,This Too Shall Pass, God Has You in His Hands,You Will Eventually Get Over This, God Knows Best, At Least You Had 30 Wonderful Years Together, You Are A Strong Person Who Needs To Get On With His Life, Dirt Bag, Pain In The Ass, Monologues, Go Cry In Your Beer, Enough, You Are A Survivor, Things Will Be OK."

"We didn't start the fire,It was always burning,Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire, No we didn't light it, But we tried to fight it. When we are gone, Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on........"?

"Would you know my name,If I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same If I saw you in heaven? Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand,If I saw you in heaven? Beyond the door,There's peace I'm sure,And I know there'll be no more Tears in heaven."

Strange Conundrum this words business.

Some of these words came from people who may have wanted to sincerely offer comfort but do know not what to say about death, especially the death of a young person, which leaves them with nothing to say, equals say some of the above or don't say anything, equals avoid saying anything about Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, Don't Even Say His Name, Avoid Steven's Family, because it is too hard, too scary, and ugly to touch reality and feel that this could be YOU!

Victims and Victims families are treated the same as dying terminally ill human beings, to be avoided, ignored, as if we are contagious with death, except for the rare human being, who by their actions, truly, unconditionally demonstrate their love of us. Actions Speak Louder than Words, Words mean Nothing by themselves.

Tomorrow Is Steven's Birthday

Tomorrow September 23, 2010 is my son Steven's birthday.

He would have been 33 years of age.

I dread the coming of his birthday almost as much as the date of his death. While I don't ever stop thinking about my first born son Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, my inner pain begins to silently morph upwards in the weeks before both dates.

It has been close to 3 long years since I last hugged and kissed Steven, 2 and a half years since we spoke on the phone,it feels like an eternity because it is. Steven is gone forever, the memories I have of him will always be a part of me, but they fail at making any difference in the reality of his loss.

I am grateful for what I still have in life, yet I can never wish away his death. It has become a part of who I am and is a way to remember Steven not only as he was but how he died. Many of those who love Steven choose to remember him as he was, but I am not comfortable in doing that as his father.

Steven was an amazing human being and his life was filled with many people, events, and wonderful times for all that had the privilege of knowing him. He truly touched those he met in many different ways and is remembered in the hearts and minds of all who loved him.

As his father, I know that Steven was a special man, gifted, compassionate, funny, honest, self taught, he could teach himself and others anything, an oh so skilled at whatever he did. I will always be proud of Steven and who he was in his short time on this earth. A father could not ask for more from such a loving son.

I get stuck on his death part. I cannot seem to even remotely comprehend the reasons of fate, a second here or there would have kept him safe, and the gross negligence on the part of others that unnecessarily killed Steven. I guess what started out for me as a way to just find out the details of how Steven died, to make sure he was not alone, that the causes of his death were clearly understood, was a way for me to try to insure that while I could not as his father keep him from dying, I would at least make certain that all the facts of his death were accurately recorded.

That began my ongoing journey to the discoveries of the real truths that caused his death. The endless calls, communications, and good people who helped me in this quest for Justice and accountability from those entities and individuals who stole Steven's life from him. The evil ones, who to this day try to make it seem that Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff never lived, and never died at their hands. They would sweep his life away in a second to avoid their responsibility if they could, and they may succeed in doing that yet.

I often dwell on the horrific, painful manner in which Steven died, the actual facts, real pictures, and feelings that I imagine he felt as he slowly died for over 45 minutes, during mass confusion. I wonder what he felt in that split nano second just before the collision and then right after, since he was still aware of his surroundings. I wonder about the terrifying fear that he felt while he was being treated, his loneliness, his pain, and I cannot seem to stop thinking about that. I see his grotesquely damaged face and body staring out out me from a body bag, photos seared into my mind, taken by the California Highway Patrol and the Coroners Office. I tremble uncontrollably every time I go near those photos and others like them on my computer, mostly never being able to open those particular picture files after my original 2 or 3 views. I want to, but I can't, they are just too real, too painful, too ugly, no wonder so many people want to only remember Steven in life, as he was, and avoid the details of his death, or their demanding justice for him

I am the keeper of his files, the archivist of his horrible death, who else will do it, who else should do it, this is my responsibility to protect Steven's dignity, the truth, and due process in death. It is the very least I can do for him.

For the last year, in our quest to obtain justice for Steven, we have become part of the extremely dysfunctional legal system as victims. We have highly skilled, very much human, kind, caring, the best of attorneys to represent Steven. Yet it is a legal system that appears to me as having no compassion, few rights, and no sense of basic human respect for victims and their families. A system that appears to me to largely be a well paid industry of posturing actors/actresses, theater of the absurd, and manipulations of legal words to hide the truth. Laws that are meant to protect, to give due process, appear to me as instead being mocked and circumvented, manipulated by those who see themselves as "owning" the system to do with as they wish. Justice and the truth appear to me as almost invisible while bullying, billing hours, out of control egos, legal monetary costs, and untruths at any cost, seem to rule the day.

The pain of losing Steven, my first born son can never be changed, but he lived and his life was stolen from him and our family by those who contributed to his death and continue to try to make believe that there never was a Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff. My son was an amazing person, he did not deserve to die nor be treated in death with such a disrespectful, disgraceful manner.

Steven was our child, our brother, our friend, we will never hug him again, never kiss him or talk to him, his dreams will never be fulfilled, he will never have a family of his own, never have his own children, never be be a father, and never have his chance to change the world in the way only he was capable of doing.

Shouldn't I as a parent, wonder about such things, do the very best of my ability to get him justice, it may not be healthy, but is it that mysterious about why I am stuck here?

In memory of Steven, whenever you read this post, please take a minute to think of the person, Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff.- Jerry



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