STEVEN NATHANIEL WOLKOFF- A MOURNERS KADDISH

                    
             FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 2013

                          

STEVEN NATHANIEL WOLKOFF


SEPTEMBER 23, 1977- JUNE 21, 2008


BELOVED SON, BROTHER,GRANDSON,
NEPHEW, COUSIN, CHERISHED LOVE
GOOD FRIEND


GENTLY THEY GO,
THE BEAUTIFUL,
THE TENDER, THE KIND


FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

The Headstone in a Cemetery Never Lies.Today is the anniversary of the fifth year of an eternity in agony for all of us, marking the horrific day, June 21, 2008, that you, Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, were cruelly killed at the age of 30, your life brutally stolen from you, your family, friends, me.

I posted the other pictures above of my son Steven because they are some of my favorite ones and also he is so real, alive in them, and for a second, he seems to actually be here.

I cannot believe that my son Steven lies buried in a grave so young, me dreaming of things that he was and might have been.

I never said the traditional Mourners Kaddish prayer for Steven because it's words are meaningless to me.

I wrote my own Kaddish for Steven because his pain and loss need to be honestly described in real words, that accurately reflect my true feelings.               

STEVEN NATHANIEL WOLKOFF'S MOURNERS KADDISH

Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff, Shmuel Nacham Ben Yaakov,  (Samuel Nathan, Son of Jerry).
                      
September 23, 1977- June 21, 2008

I am sorry that you are dead.

I am sorry you suffered so painfully, on that awful day, as you fought to stay alive.

I am sorry for the agony you felt, I see it in your eyes, face, and body from the horrific evidence photos.  I see and feel it in my endless nightmares. 

I am sorry for the fear, terror, unimaginable pain you felt in fighting for your life, as they killed you. I know the truth of your courage in being able to fight so bravely.

I am sorry for you because you were not killed by accident, but instead by the senseless, stupid, careless, actions of so many others who could have saved your life, but instead, each in their own way, miserably failed you that day, never realizing or even considering taking responsibility, or accountability for the consequences of their actions, inactions, indifference, and incompetence.

I am sorry you died not due to fate, nor randomly, but were instead killed by the cascading chaos of connected, dysfunctional, defective entities and others, all who caused your preventable death.

I am sorry for you about the DUI, drug impaired, unlicensed, illegal alien driver, speeding out of control, who didn't care about your life.

I am sorry about the inept, licensed, qualified, medical first responders who had no idea, not a clue, of what they were doing medically to you as they killed you. They have no consciences and lied to hide how they murdered you in cold blood.

I am sorry for you, that so many corrupt, ugly cowards of evil,   who have evidence of the truth, but have no conscience to speak up, remain silent, lie, omit, refuse to come forward to admit their responsibility in covering up the true facts that all contributed to killing you. 

I am sorry for those whose toxic evil allowed all of the above to be done to you and escaped from being held accountable for participating in your death.

I am sorry that your soul and body were desecrated in death.  

I am sorry for the wicked hideous ones who desecrated your body in death and refuse to take accountability for their violation of your body, your soul.

I am sorry that it has taken us five years to finally successfully legally force the spiteful, hateful San Mateo County Coroner to shortly release your final remains to us for proper burial.

I am sorry that you died in spite of the true facts that show you should be alive today.

I am sorry for all the multitude of evil ones who have tried to defame you and erase that you ever lived.

I am sorry that life is so cheap and yours has no value to those who killed you and try to erase you ever existed.

I am sorry that the Legal system is weak, corrupt and I have not been able to obtain real justice for you. I failed to accomplish getting Justice for you, please forgive me

I am sorry for my failing as your father to keep you from dying.

I am sorry you did not leave the beach one second earlier or later to return home that day of June, 21, 2008.

I am sorry that I was not there to protect you.

I am sorry that I was not there that day to comfort you, hold you, ease your pain.

I am sorry that I don't know the last thoughts in your mind before you died.

I am sorry that you died alone, with strangers, and no one even had the courage, kindness to hold your hand.

I am sorry that you died lying on a hot highway pavement, in a place unfamiliar, in the middle of nowhere.

I am sorry that no one had the decency to cover your right arm and both feet as you lay dead under the blue tarp.

I am sorry the Medvac trauma helicopter was delayed in arriving there by 4 minutes, too late to stop the killer first responders from touching you.

I am sorry that I was not even able to protect your dignity in death.

I am sorry you cannot cry.

I am sorry you cannot scream.

I am sorry you cannot laugh.

I am sorry you cannot smile.

I am sorry you cannot feel.

I am sorry you cannot talk.

I am sorry you cannot breathe.

I am sorry you are silent forever. 

I am sorry you are deep inside a cold, dark grave, rotting away, alone.

I am sorry you are blind and will never see again.

I am sorry you will never experience the rest of your life, nor remember the wonderful life you had until that final second before you died.

I am sorry you will never be able to realize your dreams.

I am sorry you will never feel the joy of being a father, husband , uncle, grandfather, great grandfather.

I am sorry you will never have another birthday.

I am sorry you will never again feel the experiences and potential of your incredibly gifted skills.

I am sorry you will never again be happy.

I am sorry you will never again feel the warmth of the sun.

I am sorry you will never again feel the wind on your face.

I am sorry you will never again feel the rain, snow, water.

I am sorry you will never again listen to music.

I am sorry you will never again play music on your Fender bass guitar.

I am sorry that you will never again enjoy reading books.

I am sorry you will never again ride your bike.

I am sorry you will never again play Ultimate Frisbee.

I am sorry you will never again play softball.

I am sorry you will never again play basketball.

I am sorry you will never again swim.

I am sorry you will never again be able to express your kindness and caring for others.

I am sorry you will never again explore your genius ideas that changed technology.

I am sorry you will never again experience the excitement of your life.

I am sorry you will never again be creative with your ideas, hands, and brain.

I am sorry you will never again discuss with passion the things that you believe in.

I am sorry you will never again write, expressing the magical beauty of your words.

I am sorry that you will never again feel love. Never.

I am sorry that you will never again be with those close to you now and in the future.

I am sorry for you that life is unfair.

I am sorry because you didn't deserve this to happen to you.

I am sorry for you that there is no answer to " WHY, WHY YOU"?

I am sorry for you that there is no god.

I am sorry for you that there is no heaven, just a dark, cold grave.

I am sorry that you cannot wake up from this nightmare, that all this is real, irreversible, final.

I am sorry for you that time has stopped forever.

I am sorry that some people have forgotten about you.

I am sorry that the world said nothing, heard nothing, saw nothing about the injustices done to you.
 
I am sorry that it was you and not me.

I am sorry that I had to bury you and that you didn't bury me first, as it should be. 


I am sorry for everything that I forgot to say now, or cannot and did not say here.

I am sorry for YOU because you are not here, you are NO MORE on this earth.


I am sorry that you cannot rest in peace.

More than anything, I am sorry that you didn't have a chance to say goodbye.

I will always honor you, remember you, miss you, keep you in my heart, preserve your memory in lovingly telling future generations about you, and love you forever. We all miss you so very much.

Your brother, sister, mother, family, and others who love you, will do the same. We will never forget YOU, never stop loving you, our precious beloved Steven. NEVER.

Steven, I can only say, I am SORRY, SORRY, I am so SORRY. 
 
  -Amen. Love, Dad.