Sometimes I have a blog story to post but I cannot bring
myself to write it.
My blog is often an extremely emotional experience for me to
write, especially when it is about other victims, young victims
who have died.
They all remind me of my son Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff
and become too painful to write because I know what the
parent(s) of the other child are feeling, the pain of
living with and the unforgettable memories of their
son or daughter who is now gone forever.
I have avoided writing today's Blog because it pains me
very much to do so,but it is now time for me to write
about Meghan.
I had previously written a Blog Story-CLICK HERE,
when Meghan Murphy died at the age of 30 years, on
February
Recently I read a beautiful but terribly sad Journal entry -
CLICK HERE-- on a memorial site for Meghan.
This journal post entry below was written by Meghan's mother,
Marcia Murphy and reprinted here with her permission.
It is a poignant window into the world of parents
who have lost a child.
"A Snowy Day"Journal Entry Posted: Feb 13, 2014 6:00am:
"Unable to sleep and being overcome with the feeling Meghan wants me to make an entry in this journal, I'm reaching out to all of you who did so much to help us get through those last few months.
I want to share a few thoughts and something that has happened which I know Meghan would be very happy about.This is a week that takes me back to an unhappy time, Meghan's passing and burial.
So many thoughts of those last few months I spent with Meghan have been running through my mind. Her presence, her attitude, her smile, all somehow transforming that heart wrenching experience into a time with so many uplifting and warm memories.
It is a time that fills my heart with every emotion possible for a human being to bear. I cling to the moments that give my heart joy and search back in my memory for all the wonderful hours spent with Meghan from the minute she was born. I'm fortunate to have so many wonderful memories to cherish, but nothing really makes me feel the slightest bit better about this loss.
Three years have passed. I am convinced that for a parent there just isn't any amount of time that will heal our sorrow. Everyone who has lost a loved one has a sorrow all their own. With the loss of a child each individuals sorrow is something no one can share or understand. I think of Meghan telling me so many times that we just have to accept what is happening, and I'm still striving to do that.
I still get notes from friends in her past; a Lantern placed on the Ganges in India in her memory, books have been dedicated to her, a walkway brick placed in the sun at Agnes Irwin's and donations to the school in her memory, donations to Heifer International, a marathon run and Women's Swimming events completed in Ithaca in her memory.
Knowing that others are remembering her is comforting to me. There were so many friends at Meghan's burial service whom I didn't get a chance to speak with. I wish I had spoken out that day and thanked everyone and asked everyone I hadn't spoken with to send me a note telling me how they knew Meghan. I'm proud that she is such a loving person and had so many friends.
It is snowing here this morning. We already have at least five or six inches. It makes me remember a day many years ago when I awoke to a day such as this at our home in Pennsylvania. I got dressed to go out to shovel our driveway. I found Meghan and our dog Muffin were outside enjoying themselves. Meg had already shoveled half the driveway. She said she didn't mind because she loved a snowy day, and there was something magical about being out in a new snowfall. She was having such a good time. It was contagious. We finished the driveway and took a walk with Muffin.
That was just the most wonderful morning. I thought of that day at her burial with the snow swirling around us at Greensprings. I knew Meghan was loving mother nature's added touch.
I knew that someone had asked permission to film Meghan's burial. I thought they would be doing this for some footage to use on Greenspring's website. I truly don't remember seeing one person with a camera that day, but they were there.
I've checked Greensprings Natural Cemetery web site often to see if they added any of Meg's burial. I thought they just decided not to use it.
When I spoke with the Director of Greensprings a few months ago, he mentioned that the documentary about green burials was coming out and it included some footage from Meghan's burial.
I didn't understand that the people filming were doing so because they were making a documentary on green burials not for the web site.
I have to say, I was a little shaky on this type of burial. It was Meghan's idea. She and her friends planned all of it. It truly was a very spiritual and mystical experience for me that day. It certainly was just perfect for Meghan.
So as it turns out the group filming the documentary have used footage from Meghan's burial to open their documentary (A Will for the Woods) on green burials. I missed a showing in Syracuse, but hope to see it when it gets to Ithaca in the spring. (The producer of the film sent me a CD with the opening of the movie) The film opens with the horses coming through the snow pulling Meghan on the sled. The snow is falling and it is a beautiful site.
The footage is less than a minute, but it ends with Meg being lowered into her final resting place. The producer said many have commented on the opening scene and how moving it is.
To think that the last few seconds of Meghan's bodily presence here on earth are part of a documentary encouraging something that many feel is better for the environment makes me smile.
Meghan isn't even here and somehow has managed to get into a green documentary.
I always thought she was amazing but this so much more than amazes me. I know she would be happy about this, and that makes me feel excited for her. (My dearest Meg, it just makes my heart feel light, even skip a beat.)
I know Meghan would think this is just the greatest. I'm sure she wants me to share this with all of you, and I thank you for being there for us all those months so long ago as well as now.
I know Meghan wants us all to be happy. I have so many happy memories because of her.
I just try to think of those times as often as I can and it really does help.
Remember to be kind and forgiving to those you love.
Try to understand the differences in all of us and embrace your loved ones with a hug or kiss you can remember and carry in your heart.
Wishing you happiness,
Love,
Marcia"
My thoughts after first reading Marcia's amazingly honest, yet tragic experience of living with Meghan's loss, is how much courage she has and that is something all of us who have lost a child share with her.
We each cope with our loss in different ways but there
is an understanding of what we feel that those in our
situation can only truly understand. It is so true as
parents of children that we have lost, how the grief
and sorrow can never go away.
I can't feel how it could since we loved our Meghan
and Steven so very much. They have always been part
of who we are as human beings and their tragic deaths,
the reality of suffering they bravely endured, only make
them even more missed by us as every hour, day, week,
month, year passes.
We see their friends getting married, having children,
experiencing the simple wonders of every day life and
our children will never have a chance to live the rest
of their lives.
It haunts me all the time that I am here, and Steven
is gone forever.
It should be the other way around but it isn't, such is
our sobering, ugly reality.
The feelings of losing a child are indescribable to
anyone else, except another parent who has also
lost a child.
It is the worst nightmare of a parent come true and
no one except people in our "club" can truly
understand how we feel, no words, no memorials,
no tributes, nothing can give us back our beloved
Meghan and Steven.
Marcia conveys these feelings in her post in a way that
makes my heart ache.
It is one of these rare written feelings that anyone
who reads her words should feel within themselves.
We will always remember
Meghan Murphy and Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff.
REST IN PEACE OUR BELOVED CHILDREN.
REST IN PEACE ALL CHILDREN
WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR PARENTS MUCH TOO SOON.
